It's Getting Better All The Time...

For the first time, everything is falling into place... and even when I think that something I do is going to make things worse... but I know it has to happen... I just go forward with faith.. and everything just fell right into place.

Someone i used to be friends with used to tell me that distance and time will allow things to settle into their place... but no... it's persistance, faith, and love... and with those three, nothing has made me happier in my life than watching this last week, especially yesterday, fall right i n t o p l a c e.

smile.


I've seen suckers loose themselves in the games they learn to play,
Children love to sing but then their voices slowly fade away.
People always take a step away from what is true,
That's why I like you around,
I want you.
Yeah you do... you make me want you.
An open invitation to the dance,
Happenstance set the vibe that we are in,
No apology because my urge is genuine,
And the mystery of your rhythm is so feminine.
Here I am and I want to take a hit,
Of your scent and it bit,
So deep into my soul,
I want you.
You do you do, you make me want you.
Send me all your vampires,
And I can't get enough,
And I can't get enough,
The village church yard is filled with bones weeping in the grave,
The silver lining of clouds shines on people Jesus couldn't save,
You want to know how deeply my soul goes, Deeper than bones,
I want you,
And I can't get enough.
After we did it by the window sill,
Smoke rings drift into the midnight sky,
presently in the quilt that your mother made,
And a candle burns to fight off the gloom,
I said to live in this way is not for the meek,
but you talk real soft and kiss me on the cheek.
And like a jazz DJ you talk me into sleep,
There will be no regrets when the worms come,
And they will surely come.
You do you do, I want you,
Send me all your vampires,
I want you

last night was the third time in my entire life that i got to kiss someone that i never thought i would get to kiss... and i don't know how i feel about it now..

...and i'm sorry.

This has honestly been one of the most wonderful months of my entire life. Well, wait, hold that thought... this last year has just been amazing. Yes, there have been hard times, but they have been different from before. Charlie and I were at breakfast this morning after a freezing cold run in Rhode Island and he asked me how the situation with my family was going, saying that it looked like things were better judging from my mannerisms... Funny thing is, things have developed into a situation far worse than a week ago, but still, I've somehow managed in this last year to remove myself from situations that will only pull me down, and not depend fully on just me to fix everything. I know that I can't fix every situation. All I can do is look at what is in my control and work with those elements. In doing this, many things that I have wanted to have happen in my life have just started to occur without much effort on mypart to create situations for myself that I have longed for. I guess it's true, everything happens when you're not looking for it. I can't beleive I go home next Thursday. It just flew by. I am planning to come back out in March, and then looking into coming here in May till July when I go to Europe. I was definitely tempted to take a semester off and move in with Kaira and stay, but the dream of coming back here for two years after I graduate has pushed me back to SMC... Oh, and also.. it is nice :)


Must be nice
Having someone you can come home to from a long day of work
Must be nice
Having someone you don't have to show they know exactly where it hurts
Must be nice
Having someone who trusts you despite what they've heard
Someone as mighty as a lion but still as gentle as a bluebird
Must be nice
Having someone you don't have to tell you don't want to be alone
Must be nice
Having someone you can grow old with until God calls ya'll home
Must be nice
Having someone who understands that I have feelings too
someone who loves you for sure
you just remember to never let 'em go



..i won't :)

You wouldn't even believe me if i told you... emptiness.


When the calls and conversations
Accidents and accusations
Messages and misperceptions
Paralyze my mind

Busses, cars, and airplanes leaving
Burning fumes of gasoline
And everyone is running
And I come to find a refuge in the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay

Monkeys on the barricades
Are warning us to back away
They form commissions trying to find
The next one they can crucify

And anger plays on every station
Answers only make more questions
I need something to believe in
Breathe in sanctuary in the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay



"t"

So yes... in 3.5 hours I will be on my way to Georgia.

I swear, this is crazy... I mean, even my dad was quite on the phone and paused as he said, "My daughter has become a complete activist."

My mom understands, and that was the best thing recently because to be honest, I don't understand... all i know is that i need action, that that's all i can do... and i know, that we need each other... and maybe thats why i'm doing this...

keep us in your prayers :)


It's a long trip alone over sand and stone
That lie along the road that we all must travel down

So maybe you could walk with me a while
And maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold
'Cause it's a long trip alone

It's a short piece of time but just enough to find
A little peace of mind under the sun somewhere

So maybe you could walk with me a while
And maybe I could rest beneath your smile
You know we can't afford to let one moment pass us by
'Cause it's a short piece of time

And I don't know where I'd be without you here
'Cause I'm not really me without you there

Yea Yeah
Hallelujah hallelujah oh

So maybe you could walk with me a while
Maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold

So maybe you could walk with me a while
Maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Maybe I could feel right beside you 'til I'm home
'Cause it's a long trip alone

the thoughts most on my mind right now have absolutely nothing to do with the three back-to-back midterms i have on wedneday...


Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Heaven knows that getting scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking

last night he said she was the one...

say it with me: P-E-R-F-E-C-T.






You said the way my blue eyes shined,
Put those stars to shame that night
I said: "That's a lie"
Just a boy in a Chevy truck,
That had a tendency of gettin' stuck,
On backroads at night
An' I was right there beside him all summer long
An' then the time we woke up to find that summer'd gone

But when you think: Tim McGraw,
I hope you think my favorite song
The one we danced to all night long:
The moon like a spotlight on the lake
When you think happiness,
I hope you think: "That little black dress"
Think of my head on your chest,
An' my old faded blue jeans
When you think Tim McGraw,
I hope you think of me

You said the way my blue eyes shined,
Put those stars to shame that night
I said: "That's a lie"






Maybe I couldn't define what it was and what it still very much is... but still, i'm sad that the summer is coming to an end because saying goodbye to you is something that will be no be easy.



see you tonight... and like always, i'll bring the music. :)

We'll do it all, everything, on our own
We don't need anything or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me
And just forget the world

I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me
And just forget the world
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace to remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me
And just forget the world
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
I just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me
And just forget the world









i almost broke today. something allowed me not to break my promise. however, im not sure if its any better because i simply just transfered my all of my pain and hurt to one person. this hurts too much. i can't wait till next weekend... escape.

after what happened last night i have offically lost hope in people.

People have the right to fly And will when it gets compromised Their hearts say "Move along" Their minds say "Gotcha heart" Let's move it along Let's move it along And airports See it all the time Where someone's last goodbye Blends in with someone's sigh Cause someone's coming home In hand a single rose And that's the way this wheel keeps working now That's the way this wheel keeps working now And I won't be the last No I won't be the last, To love her And you can't build a house of leaves And live like it's an evergreen It's just a season thing It's just this thing that seasons do And that's the way this wheel keeps working now That's the way this wheel keeps working now And you won't be the first No you won't be the first To love me You can find me, if you ever want again I'll be around the bend I'll be around the bend I'll be around, I'll be around And if you never stop when you wave goodbye You just might find if you give it time You will wave hello again You just might wave hello again And that's the way this wheel keeps working now That's the way this wheel keeps working now You can't love too much, one part of it I believe that my life's gonna see The love I give Return to me I believe that my life's gonna see The love I give Return to me I believe that my life's gonna see The love I give Return to me

Maybe it's that I've started paying for attention, or maybe things just really are changing like crazy... Changes are happening in my friendships, family, work, school, thoughts, beliefs, supports... everything. However, there are the wonderful friends that I'm so Lucky to have that although we both change, we somehow still fit, and that is absolutely amazing.

This is harder than I thought it would be, however, Tuesday is going to be the real test of how dedicated I am. Anyways, what I've realized so far is that the people that shouldn't be in my life are the ones who are not responding kindly to the changes that I have been making.

My top three questions have become more blurred. It's not that I'm changing them, but almost as if, somehow, someway, they are changing me. It's some sort of crazy wonderful..

Change has always been a very complex topic for me, which is ironic because I'm a firm believer that everything in life is simple. Life is itself is simple. People try to complicate situations and people but in the end life is extremly simple.

I always thought that I didn't like change. I feared change. With the thought of something so stable changing I suddenly became overrun by emotions.

I don't fear change anymore. Everything, everyone is always changing. Even people who don't change their ways of life change little by little each day.

This summer is all about change. I had a year where I lost track of what was important, what I truly wanted, and above all, what I truly believed in. It's time to take the past year or so and put it into perspective and change.

Change.

And just thinking about it makes me feel better.

Change will come only by an individual making his or herself change. My change will come by obtaining my goal of answering my top three questions this summer.


Change is a good thing.


...maybe one of the best things.



From now on I'm going to document these changes, so in the end I'll have even a deeper understanding and appreciation of change, and when things are stable.


:)

Until then...

No other love ~ darlin I'm flying
No other love ~ darlin I'm flying
I can go ~ I can go anywhere
But no other love can take me there

Never before have I heard a song/lyrics that explained the last year of my life more to perfection...


He left a card, a bar of soap and a scrubbing brush next to a note
That said "use these down to your bones"
And before I knew I had shiny skin and it felt easy being clean like him
I thought "this one knows better than I do"

A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle
He tried to cut me so I'd fit

And doesn't that sound familiar? Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could've gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?
And so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?

So the next one came with a bag of treats, she smelled like sugar and
spoke like the sea
And she told me don't trust them, trust me
Then she pulled at my stitches one by one, looked at my insides clicking
her tongue and said
"This will all have to come undone"

A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle
She tried to blunt me so I'd fit

And doesn't that sound familiar? Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could have gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?
And so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?

I think I realized just in time, although my old self was hard to find
You bathe me in your finest wine but I'll never give you mine
'Cos I'm a little bit tired of fearing that I'll be the bad fruit nobody buys
Tell me, did you think we'd all dream the same?

And doesn't that sound familiar? Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could have gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?
And so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?
Could you leave me with a scar?

Last Night=Amazing


Things I Learned Yesterday:

1. The hardest thing & the right thing are usually the same.
2. Heartbreak can be made much better by a night out w. the crew.
3. I have the best house-mate in the world.
4. Ashley is AMAZING!!!!
5. I definitely made the right decision to stay in our apartment over the summer, because without Natalie, that would just be sad.
6. I made the right decision to do the Lasallian Community next year.
7. Joanna is "kick-ass" (that's for you sunshine)
8. Someone wasn't who I thought they were... at all.. which i thought would make this easier...
9. I was wrong about that.
10. Last night was just what I needed.
11. I have the best friends in the entire world!!



Ashie and I are downstaris... contemplating that it's time to go wake my Natalie up... and then get some food, take Ashie home and then it's to the library to do over 41 pages of essays for next week because im student-teaching Monday, Wed, and Friday... Working Monday-Sunday, going to school Tues/Thurs, and doing the carnival for kids on friday... crazyness!!! And after the libary I have a date with Nate which I'm excited about... he's amazing...



Have a GREAT day!!!!!


ps. happpy birhday Lauren Rae!!! I'll try to stop by late tonight!!! xoxo

A- Available? Nope
A- Age? 20
A – Annoyance: burping, liars, fake people

B - Best Friends? Avery, Hannegan, Natalie, Lauren, Jess, Ryan... damn... too many, but i'll go with Ave and Hannegan
B - Bar: Squid Roe.
B - Birthday? December 17th

C - Crush: it's more than a crush..
C - Car: my bug.. but not for long :)
C - Cats: Baxter, Billy, and Roxy... JANE IS NOT MY CAT!!!

D - Dead Pets Name: Freddy, Target, Magnum, Larlette, Cleo, Prelene, Cloudy, Kaleb, Swimmer, Sugar, Spice... and al ot more..
D – Dad's Name: Michael
D - Dogs: Gaston, Sophie, and Sienna

E - Easiest person to talk to: Avery
E - Eggs: scrambled
E - Eh? nope.

F - Favorite color: Green.
F - Food: pasta. but fruit is my absolute favorite.
F - Foreign Language: Italian.

G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Bears
G - God: Questions.
G - Good Time: Question games w. Nat.

H - Hair Color: Brown
H - Height: 5'10
H - Happy: yep. most of the time

I - Ice Cream: Oatmeal Cookie
I - Instrument: working on it..
I - Idol: I like to watch American "Idol"

J - Jewelry: always my circle necklace and tiffany watch. always.
J - Job: kids. laughter. fun. happiness.
J –Jokes: Someone from the past..

K - Kids: So many in my life.. all adorable..
K - Karaoke: CABO!!!
K - Kite: "let's go fly a kite" and doing it w. nat, jamie, and keri

L - Longest Car Ride: LA
L - Longest Phone Conversation: 8 hours.
L - Last Person you spoke to on the Phone: Avery

M - Milk Flavor: Non-Fat but i don't like milk
M - Mothers Name: Lethea
M - Movie Last Watched: Nemo

N - Number of Siblings: 1
N - Northern or Southern: Northern.
N - Name: Kathryn Randalle

O - One Wish? That I wouldn't want it..
O - One Phobia? flying.
O - One goal: To answer my #1 question.

P – Parents, are they married or divorced: Divorced.
P - Part of your appearance that you like best: eyes, smile, hair...
P - Part of your Personality you like best: loyalty.

Q - Quote:too many to choose from, so i'll go with one from the trip... "so, could you make me pretty?" "kate, you're already pretty, but i could make you 10X's hotter"
Q - Quick or Slow? slow...

R - Reason to smile: Friends and my Mom
R - Reality TV Show: American Idol
R - right or Left handed: Right

S - Song Last Heard: "Beautiful" by India Arie
S – Season: SUMMER
S - Sex: on the beach?

T - Time you woke up? 8:30 am
T - Time Now: 11:36
T - Time for bed: never early enough

U - Unknown Facts: I am terrified of losing my teeth and I can't sleep well without my blanket.
U - Unicorns? My little pony could kick their ass.
U – USA? Fucking awesome.

V - Vegetable you hate: I love 'em all
V - Vegetable you love: CARROTS!!! ..but i can't eat them :( and green beans, mushrooms, peppers...
V- View on Politics: Moderate... it's changed a lot in the past year.

W- Worst Habits:procrastination.
W- What do you wanna be when you grow up: a really good mommy.
W- Where are you traveling to next? Austuralia as of now... but i think something will come up before then.

X-Rated Porn? Natalie.
X -Chromosome: Two
X-Rays? I've had over 20 this year.

Y - Year you were born: 1985
Y - Year it is now: 2006
Y - Yoke: oxen?

Z - Zoo Animal: PENGUINS!!! *crabs* and *zebras*
Z - Zodiac: Sag
Z- Zests:"soap



yep, thats it, happy eater and goodnight..

Here I am I'm sitting alone again I'm staring up at the sky which at this
lonely moment is my only friend suddenly as I gaze upon the night I
notice the stars began to shake and dance and fall into the darkness

They exploded down. I knew what I had to do. I ran up to the top of
the hill and took a hold for you

The sweetest star that fell and yes I held on to it close to the numbness
in my heart

And I kissed a star. I wrapped it up inside a golden bow and I ran away
just to find you.

This was your gift a star that I kissed.

The galaxy that lived inside your eyes was in need of a brand new
shining light.

I wished to the dark sky up above that all I had was to be captured
and willingly turned over to you.

I know you better now and at this I smile. I simply gave to you the
symbol of what you are to me.

You are the star that shines and explodes with light and I love and
embrace all that I can.

Take this blindness away from me and let me bask inside your golden
sea.

I never ever knew such simple astronomy could ever come to me by
ways of the heart.

Call me to be one of those strangely dressed wise men who follow the
stars to their love

You are such a perfect star to wish upon and I love you and yes I'm
hopeful

Of what this lonely night may lead me into. I'm wishing upon you now.

Free me and let me indulge in my view a most beautiful you.

A keeper of starlight...

the way I feel: I'm feeling happy finally. I've no room for sorrow and I
feel lit inside.

It's something I cannot hide. Oh maybe I've never felt this way before.
Not for real.

Finally I feel free.

Here I am I'm sitting alone again I'm staring up at the sky which at this
lonely moment is my only friend suddenly as I gaze upon the night I
notice the stars began to shake and dance looks like they wanna fight

No way they were dancing. They were romancing.

Falling in love all over.

i guess today was a good day. i mean, i can't really complain. Although the mad drama that went down this weekend, everything seemed to work out. Jess is leaving tomorrow, and i'm really sad, because she is my best friend up here, but i know that it's for the best.. so that just leaves me and natalie here, oh but not really... WE GOT A KITTEN!!!!!! I went into the city tonight for my sis' 22nd birthday and Nat picked me up @ the restuarant around eight and we went and picked up the cutest lil kitten... Because it's technically natalie's she named it Jane, and i'm not so happy about this... but that's okay because she said that I could pick a middle name, so I want a name that starts w. a T so i can call her JT... HELP! THINK OF NAMES THAT START WITH T!!!

Anyways, Layne is here and they're playing with the cat, but i'm not feeling so well, and I think that I'm going to go to bed, but then again I haven't been really sleeping so I'll probably go write/read and get ready for a really busy week. But the good news is that next friday I'm done with my class.. This week should be pretty good. I'm going out tomorrow night, which is a good thing, because lately I haven't been feeling like myself, and my friends are taking me out. It shouldn't be a late night, but at least I'll be around the whole crew together. On friday I get to see my Jenny!!! She will be married and i'm so happy for her. We're going to SF for the night and then I work saturday, and then I've decided that I need to get away for a few days.

This whole work full time and go to school full time really has started to get to me... but I can't fully quit my job w. the three boys because when I'm with them, even in the midst of total chaos they make me feel so happy. Like Jack and I just lay there and sing counting crows together using spoons as microphones... he's fucking awesome... which reminds me, I should go see him play basketball, he's been asking me..

It is just going to be another normal week of 30 hours of work and school, so i've decided on sunday I need to get away, even if just for a few days. I could go snowboarding, and I was planning to go up that week I have off for two days with Jess and Nat, but now they're not talking... and I can't choose because I love them both... and a really weird part of me wants to go by myself, but my dad also said He'd fly me somewhere to get away because he saw me the other night and he said he was concerned about me, and the sad part was, I was trying my hardest to show that I was doing okay.. Bottom line, I need to get away for a few days, so goal for the next few days is to figure that all out.. any suggestions?!

I mean, I am doing okay.. really.. I really miss my best friends, even though one is only at Berkeley, it's hard when she is going through a hard time and i'm not there by her side all the time, oh well, we have a hot chocolate date for sometime this week, and she wants to see JT :) so yeah.. I need to get up to Oregon, because honestly I just talked to Ave for the first time in a week, and that's no good... I need to get home sometime too, see my animals, I havent' been home since christmas... here is my new home, and that's good, I just feel like a lot is happening right now, and in the end, I hope I'm doing the right thing.. I really hope..

So I just realized that I've been rambling over and over again, which anyone who knows me knows I do when i'm sad or nervous or just about whenever.. So I should go.. I wanna go play w. the kitten some more try to end tonight smiling..

*smile*

Happy birthday my Lolly, I hope you liked your gifts, I tried Oh So hard.. and I think they were all pretty cool. I promise to come c'ya soon.. I love you sis.